Jump really high, run really fast, Throw really, really, really, really far, Lift up the weights, spin round the beam, You’re gonna live the Olympic dream, Consider this a pep talk from an ordinary British man, Trying to give you Brits a helping hand, Only every four years will you get this golden chance, But I don’t care what you do, As long as we beat France, Do what you need to win, But don’t do drugs, ‘cos that’s a sin, Unless you definitely won’t get found out, Rule Britannia, Team GB all coming in your face, Rule Britannia, We can achieve at least eighth place, Rule Britannia, English and Welsh and Scottish too, Gonna beat you red, white and blue, Rule Britannia, I’d love to say that I will be there in the stadium, Watching all of you compete, But I couldn’t afford tickets, It’s a just-for-the-wealthy Olympics, But I’ll be at home with my T.V., But something confuses me about the whole competition philosophy, The majority of entrants will not win, And whilst I think it’s admirable, That they can train so hard and still fail, I’m a loser without trying, Rule Britannia, Team GB all coming in your face, Rule Britannia, We can achieve at least eighth place, Rule Britannia, English and Welsh and Scottish too, Gonna beat you red, white and blue, Rule Britannia, We’re gonna do a win, Obviously not the whole thing, But we will win one of the events we are entering, Like Swimming or Rowing, We’re quite good at both of them, So we may just win, London 2012, I’m sure it will be really, really, really great, Even if we lose everything, It will still have been worth the hundreds of millions of pounds worth of taxpayers’ money, Rule Britannia, Team GB all coming in your face, Rule Britannia, We can achieve at least eighth place, Rule Britannia, English and Welsh and Scottish too, Gonna beat you red, white and blue, Rule Britannia,

Congratulations you turned 18 today, We’re celebrating your coming of age, It may seem daunting and you may be afraid, But I am here to help you on your way, Now you’re grown up it’s you in charge, you can do what you decide, But that means if shit gets messed up, it’s you that gets crucified, That’s why you’ll need to get yourself insurance policies, And you will have just so much fun paying their monthly fees, But at least it means if stuff goes wrong, it means you’re covered, right? Well, not necessarily, because they will do everything they can to worm out of any responsibilities they have previously agreed to, Chorus Welcome to Adult life, It’s full of fun, joy and surprise, Like unexpected self-assessment tax returns, And all the pleasures you can get from PAYE Being grown up is really cool, cos you can do just what you wanna do, That is, of course, within the constraints placed on you by legality, morality and other such societal paradigms. You’re gonna need to learn how to change a fuse and bleed a radiator, These are just a couple of the exciting things you’ll get to do sooner or later, You can get yourself a nectar card and start collecting points, Unfortunately these points do not necessarily equate to prizes, more likely some money off next time you buy milk Welcome to Adult life, It’s full of fun, joy and surprise, Like setting up a bank account with a credit card, And getting financially raped by the APR, You’re 18 now, so legally you can appear in pornography, You can be called to a jury, don’t try them simultaneously, You’re no longer considered to be a legal minor, That means if you pull a moonie you can be tried for indecent exposure, The best bits of adulthood are drink, sex and drugs, Booze and coffee and special hugs, ‘Cos you can’t spell “Adult” without “dull” (more or less), that’s why we all turn to ethanol, You can’t spell “responsibility” without “bills” (…ish), that’s why we’re tripping out and popping pills, You can’t spell “amusement” without “semen”, that’s like Shawshank without Morgan Freeman, Welcome to Adult life, It’s full of fun, joy and surprise, Like discovering that you will have to pay council tax. At least you’re old enough to buy a knife or an axe, Welcome to Adult life, It’s full of fun, joy and surprise, I know this adult stuff may not sound that groovy, But at least you’re old enough to rent an 18(+) movie

John Terry is a racist, He was convicted in a Magistrate’s Court, It’s good he has to face this, And I’m glad we waited until after he represented his country at the European football championships, Good at kicking the ball, Bad at basic Civil Rights, Good at kicking the ball, Bad at being a decent human being, John Terry is a racist.

John Terry’s not a racist, He was acquitted in a Magistrate’s Court, So now I have to face this; He must be an upstanding citizen because he was found “not guilty” of a racially aggravated public order offence, Good at kicking the ball, Good at hiring Defence Lawyers, Good at kicking the ball, He did still cheat on his wife with Wayne Bridge’s girlfriend, John Terry’s not a proven racist.